Portfolio: Sketch

Sketch: Introductory Reflective Essay

At the beginning of this semester, we were asked to write about what writing meant to us. In my journal, I framed out my relationship with writing as having "[begun] when I needed to express myself outside of simply speaking." In middle school, I found myself utterly alone because I failed to relate to anyone, and they failed to relate to me. So, without any other outlet for my emotions, I simply wrote. The paper listened better than anyone ever could; it was quiet, and the only thing it asked for was more. While this has never, and probably will never, change for me, over this semester, I have developed a lot more respect for the idea of creating several drafts of one work.

Over the course of my literary life up to this point, I had perhaps abused paper's ability to absorb without question. I would deftly relay the harsh, bold reality of my emotions at that point in time, then leave them behind without a second thought. Drafting, in my opinion, took away the sharpness of those moments when I had first come up with those words. If I changed my mind about word choice or otherwise, I believed that I was not sincere in what I had initially placed on the page. Even when my previous teachers pounded on their desks to emphasize how important it was to have several drafts of a paper, I would not do more than one. And they could not tell, because I was good enough at spewing out what was necessary. However, they had never asked for physical copies of the drafts, nor had they allowed anyone other than ourselves to edit our papers before turning it in; I had never been exposed to peer review until this class, other than what little editing I did as my high school yearbook's copy editor. Even still, no one else looked at my own work.

This year, I had to allow others to look over my work as part of the course requirement. As well, I was also required to have at least four drafts of each of the three papers I produced. Four drafts. When all I'd ever had was one. I didn't even know so much could be wrong with a paper that it required four drafts to fix. That was, until a peer read over my first paper. I was mortified immediately; how could someone find so many mistakes? And yet, as I began to edit my paper according to my peer's suggestions, I discovered he had incorrectly determined that I made an error on a few occasions. Nonetheless, this forced me to be more careful and edit after going through my peer's suggestions and determining if the "error" really warranted a change. Thus, I was editing twice in between each draft. And it took everything I had not to scream occasionally.

However, I found that my readers more easily understood my points with each pass I took at the essay. Rather than becoming more uncertain on my points as I'd feared, I became more precise, especially with my thesis sentences. Often times, my peers would not understand the thesis, but they could glean what I had meant through the rest of the essay. I hated the textbook "my paper will discuss these three points" kinds of sentences, so mine were attempts at being bold and different, discarding clarity in attempt to create that difference. But since I had to adapt to survive in this course, my theses have definitely improved in focus. I have demonstrated an example of how one of my theses develops in the revision exhibit of this portfolio. My thesis in that selection retains its uniqueness while also being clear about what I am about to address.

I selected both of the papers I placed in my portfolio for the fact that they were the essays that had the most room for improvement. Yes, this required another draft out of each of them. And yet, these two drafts weren't as painful as they were at the beginning of the semester. I am proud of how far each of them came, from their creation in my mind as little ideas to what you now see on paper.

My first essay, "Testing the Water", also involves an alternative way of thinking that will provide a more positive outlook on life should one decide to follow it. While the piece was simply supposed to be a rhetorical analysis, the material stuck with me beyond writing the essay. I can certainly say that after producing this paper and dealing with David Foster Wallace for such an extended period of time, I have grown very fond of this way of thinking. Ironically, after editing my first draft of the essay at the beginning of the semester, I was so frustrated that Wallace's thoughts on positive thinking made me angry just at the mention of the essay. However, I eventually realized, as I was reading over the material for the umpteenth time, that Wallace's thoughts were similar to what my father had always suggested.

"Happy people choose to be happy, and sad people choose to be sad." He'd told me. Finally, it clicked with me. Happiness is a choice influenced not by other people or events, but how you come to face them. And while I cannot follow through with positive, accepting thoughts all the time, I would not have survived this year with some particularly agitating people without it.

My second, more creative, personal piece on my first job at the movie theater was included also for a similar reason, in that I wrote about something that changed my thought process entirely. However, this was not my initial topic for the paper. I wrestled between this topic and an essay about my experience on my high school soccer team. While both experiences were life-changing, only my first job proved to have a positive outcome. I wanted to write about something that would connect with more people, and because positive emotions generally trump negative ones, I selected the movie theater topic. Because I had to work such a miserable job (although somewhat entertaining), I felt bad for other people who worked similar jobs. I began tipping waiters more, saying "thank you" more, just genuine little things I thought would make me happy if people did the same to me. Both of these essays exemplify ways in which I have revised myself as I have entered the "adult world".

My wild card is a poem I wrote about a side, or draft of myself that I rarely portray, as it can be quite offensive to some because it involves religion. As I was raised without a huge emphasis on religion, I have a very open view on the subject, but a few of my "friends" don't share this view, even pity me for it. So, I suppose the poem is directed towards them. After fighting with my personal demons, I found that one needs to take action before anything happens, rather than waiting for a sign to make a move. However, rather than pouring out this opinion in essay format, it flowed much easier and spoke more clearly in a short, but bold poem.

Overall, my portfolio exhibits my transformation over this semester from the safe cocoon of my high-school level writing to the higher platform of college-level writing.